Cat Communication

Cats train humans. They all use the same basic sign language method of training. There are 4 basic communications.

Teaching the Human "I Want Food Now" 
1. Stand or sit close to human and stare at them until they look at you, then lick your lips to indicate that you are ready to eat.
2. Jump on human and lick their lips.
3. Jump on human and bite their lips.
4. In all cases, follow up by immediately leading them to your preferred eating place.

Telling the Human "Its Time to Wake Up"
  1. Sit on human and stare at them until open their eyes.
  2. Lick their lips or eyelids until they wake up.
  3. Sit on human and give them a few good smacks across the face - claws kept in.
  4. If none of the above work - carefully insert one claw inside human's nose and press down.
  5. In all cases, follow up by immediately leading them to your preferred eating place.

  6. Letting the Human Know "I Am Unhappy with You"
    1. Refuse to acknowledge them.
    2. If they look at you, turn your back on them.
    3. If they touch you, get up and move away.
    4. Indicate that you are hungry and then refuse your food.
    5. Shred something that belongs to them.
    6. Beat up dogs - if available.

    Telling the Human "I Like You"
    1. Sit beside them.
    2. Curl up on their lap.
    3. Rub head on them.
    4. Lift head, look them in the eye, and indicate that you will allow yourself to be kissed.
    5. Present them with a mouse (dead or alive) - if available.

    There are pros and cons to learning what your cat is telling you. On the one hand it makes life simpler when you know what your cat wants. On the other hand, once your cat has you trained in the basics and now knows that you are trainable, she will continue the instruction. You will be in training for life.
Rules for inexperienced cats
  • Determine quickly which guest hates cats.
  • Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." - If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
  • When sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colours contrast with your own.
  • Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do which anything. Just sit and stare.
  • For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
  • If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug!
  • Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
  • If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one.
  • For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
  • For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
  • For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
  • Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 - 4 a.m.